Dinner
by DagaYemar
Summary: They are some of the most powerful people in the multiverse. They're influence stretches from world to world. But when they're not on the job, they have to live together. And when everyone is this powerful, there's no such thing as a simple meal. Oneshot.


"Let us give thanks to Kingdom Hearts." Xemnas intoned, his arms spread wide as if to encompass them all. "We take in this sustenance to replenish our bodies as we take in-"

"I'd rather skip the formalities." Luxord interrupted. "Besides, it seems one of us has already started."

Xemnas gave Axel, who was using both hands to shovel food into his plate, a long look before letting out his breath slowly. "Very well, we may skip grace this once. You may all eat."

A sigh of relief echoed around the table and everyone set into their food.

"Um… Xaldin?" Marluxia sighed, pushing a fork along his plate. "I can't help but notice that, once again, you have made me a salad."

"And?" Xaldin asked, talking time from surveying the table to raise an eyebrow at him.

"And, once again, I remind you that my element is plant-life." Marluxia said patiently.

"Right," Xaldin said, "You're a vegetarian. Eat your salad."

Marluxia gritted his teeth in frustration. "No, that's not how it works. I'm not a vegetarian."

"So… you're one of those weird vegans, then?" Xaldin huffed. "Eat your salad, hippie."

"Oh, for the love of…" Marluxia growled, massaging away a headache. "We are all comprised of our elements, and my element is plants, so _I don't eat any plants!_ It's like cannibalism or something! I only eat meat! Is any of this getting through?"

"That's just ridiculous." Xigbar interrupted, gesturing with a chicken leg. "Demyx, do you like to drink water?"

"Well, I don't_ have_ to drink…" Demyx said, putting down a handful of fries he was about to eat. "I mean, I don't really get thirsty anymore, but I can if I want too. I really like having-"

"That's nice." Xigbar said, shifting his attention across the table. "Vexen, do you like ice cream?"

"Of course." Vexen waved the question off with his fork. "In fact, I'm currently at work improving on several flavors. You wouldn't think a flavor titled 'sea salt' would be that difficult to improve…"

"There, you see?" Xigbar smiled, leaning back in his chair. "Eat your salad, hippie."

"Grr… you're just lucky I like whatever spice this is…" Marluxia growled, pushing around his leaves with reluctance.

"By the way, what spice is this?" Zexion asked curiously. "It's very… strong."

"Spice." Xaldin answered.

"Yes, but… what kind of spice?" Zexion pressed.

Xaldin frowned in confusion. "There's more than one?"

Zexion stared at him for a second, then leaned over to Lexeaus. "Why is he the cook again?" he whispered.

"Do you know someone else who can prepare six dished at a time?" Lexeaus returned. He pointed across the table. "Besides, look at him."

Axel looked up from shoveling food into his mouth. "What? Have you tasted this yet? It's delicious!"

"Here, here!" Luxord toasted, saluting Xaldin with his teacup. Xaldin smiled and started to cut into his steak.

"I will have to take your word for the taste." Xemnas said, dipping his spoon into his soup methodically. "I can no longer taste anything. As a being of pure nothing, my sense of taste is just one of the many feelings that are denied to me-"

"Yes, we know. We know." Larxene interrupted before he could launch into another speech. She twirled some strands of pasta around her fork thoughtfully. "You know, I've been wondering… your element is nothing, right?"

"It is." Xemnas said.

"And you said we're each made out of our elements, didn't you?" Larxene asked, turning to Marluxia.

"I did…" Marluxia muttered around a bite of lettuce. "Where are you going with this?"

"It's just…" Larxene said, popping the noodles into her mouth thoughtfully. "Doesn't that mean he's made of nothing? I mean, how can he exist? He's not made out of anything!"

"Well…" Xemnas started, then paused thoughtfully. "I… but, you see… hmm…" As the logic of her argument ran its course, Xemnas's body began to turn transparent. He still had a thoughtful look on his face as he vanished from sight. His spoon teetered on empty air for a second before falling into his bowl with a plunk.

"Oh, was that today?" Luxord asked, cocking his head to the side. "Then that means that… next week is… hrm…" He grimaced and picked up his tea, drinking deep.

"Yes!" Marluxia shouted, leaping from his chair and pumping his hands in the air.

"We're not going to follow you." Vexen said with a practiced sigh, reaching calmly for the sugar bowl.

"But… but I'm clearly the most powerful one here…" Marluxia started.

"Dude, you're power is to control flowers." Xigbar chuckled. "You have pink hair. We are not going to let you lead us."

Marluxia fell back down into his chair with a huff. "You could have at least pretended I had a chance…" he pouted. "You guys suck."

"Hey Xigbar, can you pass me the salt?" Axel said, ripping into his turkey breast with one hand and ladling gravy onto mashed potatoes with the other.

"Urg, really?" Xigbar said, flicking the saltshaker with his finger. The shaker warped across the table in a little swirl of energy. "Do you really need to put that stuff on everything? It's disgusting."

"What? I like my food salty." Axel said, grabbing up the salt and shaking it liberally over his plate.

"Geez, where does he put it?" Larxene wondered aloud, staring at Axel's thin waist enviously as she absently cut into her veal parmesan.

"I have a theory that he stores it in his hair." Zexion said, sprinkling pepper onto his salmon.

"What!" Vexen sputtered, spraying crumbs across the tablecloth. "That's preposterous! Where is the evidence to support your _theory_?"

"Count the spikes." Zexion pointed with his knife. "I been counting and I swear there are more of them now than when he sat down." He ducked to avoid the dinner roll Axel threw at his head.

Siax started making little choking sounds, eyes glued to Xemnas's empty chair.

"See, he also thinks the spice is a little too much." Zexion said, jerking his thumb at him.

"He's just eating too quickly, is all." Lexeaus said softly. "All those little bones." He reached over and slammed Siax on the back, driving him face down into his platter.

"Hey, how come Saix gets so much more food than the rest of us?" Demyx asked, frowning at his plate. "I mean, he doesn't have as much as Axel, but it looks like that's a whole deer or something he's eating…"

"It's because he hunted it down himself." Xaldin grumbled. "At least he caught something I knew how to prepare this time."

"You've been rather quiet, Roxas." Larxene said, glancing sideways at him. "Not that I'm complaining. Is there something wrong with your meal?"

Roxas was gaping around the table at each of them in turn. "Aren't… aren't any of you concerned?"

"About what?" Luxord asked, biting into his sandwich.

"About him!" Roxas shouted, pointing at Xemnas's place. "He just vanished before our eyes! Doesn't it bother any of you that… he's… gone?"

"He? You mean the Superior?" Xigbar grinned and pointed a leg bone at him. "Did you forget Xemnas's name again? You need to keep it memorized, eh Axel?"

"Mrph." Axel said, mouth too full to speak.

"Tell you what." Luxord said, leaning across the table. "I'll bet you one hundred munny that everything will be as right as rain by the end of the meal. What do you say?"

"But… but… he's _gone_…" Roxas muttered. Defeated, he picked up a slice of his pizza and nibbled at it.

"Don't worry, Roxas, I'll let you play with my toy." Demyx said, reaching into his box and rooting around. "I hope it's… aw, another Leon. I've already got two of him. I wanted to get the Yuffie doll."

"Yuffie has too many small parts." Xaldin muttered around a mouthful. "Prove to me that you can keep track of all the Merlin pieces first and we'll see what you get tomorrow."

"I don't know what happened to those." Demyx said morosely, flicking the little switch on the back of the toy. Leon's sword arm rose and fell jerkily. "They just keep disappearing…"

Xigbar snickered and tore another wing off his chicken.

Marluxia reached over and picked up Demyx's box. "I thought you prepared all our food, Xaldin. Did you make this as well?"

"I'm taking a couple arts and crafts lessons." Xaldin said defensively. "What? I have a life outside of the kitchen."

Marluxia was turning the box over in his hands, looking at the pictures on the sides. "Wait, is this supposed to be me? I don't look anything like that! And why am I wearing this ridiculous sun hat?"

"Let me see that!" Larxene snatched the box out of his hands, took one look at the chibi Marluxia drawing, and burst out laughing. "I don't know, I think he captures you pretty well! Let's see… 'Find all thirteen silver flowers in Marluxia's garden so he can water them'. Xaldin, I never knew you had such a sense of humor!"

"Hey, I wasn't finished with it!" Demyx huffed, stretching across the table to get it back.

"Bah, a waste of time." Vexen muttered, dropping another sugar cube into his lemonade.

Lexeaus frowned. "Isn't that a little too much sugar, Vexen?"

"Nonsense!" Vexen said, watching the cube dissolve raptly. "I've nearly discovered the solvent level of this beverage. By my calculations, I only need seventeen more cubes before they will no longer liquefy!"

"You'll never be able to drink it if you do." Lexeaus said, reaching over and taking the sugar bowl.

"How dare you interrupt my experiment?" Vexen demanded. "I'm number four, and you're only number five! You have no right to take my ingredients!"

"I'll be eating cereal in the morning, and I'd be very upset if I didn't have any sugar to put on it." Lexeaus said, glaring down at Vexen.

Xaldin frowned. "Just cold cereal? That a shame; I wanted to use this new Belgian waffle maker I picked up after my mission today…"

"What…what am I going to do without Xemy…" Saix whispered to himself, still staring at the empty chair. All the members who had been drinking at the time did a spit take.

"What did you call him? Xemy?" Xigbar laughed, wiping soda off his chin.

Saix seemed to come back to the present and leapt from his chair. "You did this!" he growled at Larxene, reaching to summon his claymore.

Three lances appeared in a swirl of wind and pressed against his neck as Xaldin rose to face him. "There will be none of that! I slaved over a hot oven, roasting that creature you dragging into my kitchen into something at least resembling edible, and now you are going to eat it. Understand?"

Saix glared at him, but composed himself and sat back down. He ripped a strip of venison off savagely and stuffed it into his mouth. For the next several moments, the only sound was the clink of silverware and Axel's loud chewing.

Xaldin sighed. "Zexion, will you please put your book away while at the table."

Zexion looked up from his lexicon. "That's not fair. Why does Luxord get to play a game of solitaire at his place, but I can't read?"

"Slurp… I don't see any cards." Axel said, licking his fingers.

"What… but I swore I saw his cards out a second ago!" Zexion said, rubbing his eyes.

"They still are there a second ago." Luxord smirked, pulling out a small bottle from his coat pocket and tipping a little of its contents into his cup. "I'll finish the game later, if it's against the rules to play now."

"Are you putting whiskey in your tea?" Marluxia asked, eyeing Luxord's cup as he topped it off from the tea kettle.

"No, mate, it's rum." Luxord said, stirring his cup with his spoon.

"Hey, pass some of that over here!" Xigbar said, tipping his glass in Luxord's direction. The gambler obligingly dipped a splash from his flask into the cup.

"Hey, what's this?" Larxene shouted in outrage, fending off Demyx with one hand and flipping his box over with her other. " 'Larxene has caught you stealing her cookies again. Run through the maze to escape her wrath'. I do not look this fat!"

"Urgh, just give it back to him." Vexen said, grimacing as he sipped his sugary drink.

"Whatever." Larxene huffed, flipping the box into his outstretched hands. "When did you find time to make that, anyway?"

Xaldin propped his chin on his hand and leaned on his elbow. "The Beast can be so boring to observe, sometimes. He spent no less than two and a half hours today moping about that rose of his. I needed something to keep my attention."

Demyx hugged the box to his chest and plopped back into his seat, but his eyes widened when he looked at his plate. "Hey, where did all my nuggets go? I still had most of them left!"

"I bet Axel swiped them." Zexion said, scooping rice onto his fork while he talked.

"I'll take that bet. The usual?" Luxord said, flipping open a little black book and making a note in the margin.

"Mrph?" Axel said, hurriedly swallowing his mouthful. "Ulp… no, I didn't!"

Marluxia whistled softly to himself, pushing around the leaves in his bowl to better hide several odd lumps.

Saix cleared his throat and glared at Axel. He looked like he had managed to reign in his berserker side, though he kept stealing glances at the Superior's chair. "I suppose it's only fair for Axel to give Demyx a portion of his own meal."

"But I didn't take his nuggets!" Axel cried, putting his arms protectively around his place. "I have my own turkey, so why would I want to steal his chicken?"

"It's Ok… Demyx can have half my pizza." Roxas offered. "I'm not really that hungry anyway…"

"Probably full from all that ice cream Axel feeds him after their missions." Xigbar grunted, picking at his teeth with his pinky.

"Dessert before dinner, how uncivil." Vexen muttered. He was concentrating on pouring a little of his lemonade on top of his grapefruit. It poured out more like syrup than liquid, which he spread around with his fork and then took a bite. "Hey, this is really good!"

"Let me taste!" Larxene said, stabbing a piece out with her fork before he could cut her off. She popped the bite into her mouth and her eyes lit up. "You're right, this is amazing! You should totally teach Xaldin how you made this!"

"As long as it provides nutrition, it does not matter how it tastes. Do not get worked up over something like that." Xemnas said, picking up his spoon.

Vexen shook his head, chewing on his dry toast as he observed his grapefruit thoughtfully. "Don't underestimate my talents, in this department or any other! Hmm… I wonder if it will work as well for any other juice or just lemons…"

"And now he's going to empty out my fridge for his experiments." Xaldin sighed. "That's what you get for encouraging him, Larxene."

"If he can get it to work, then let him make some for dessert." Larxene smirked, leaning back in her chair. "No offense, dreds, but those pies you made yesterday were awful. Baking isn't your strong suit."

Lexeaus frowned at his plate. "I thought this shepherd's pie came out pretty well…"

"Hey Roxas, you wanna close your mouth? You're going to catch flies with it hanging open like that." Axel said, sopping up gravy with a dinner roll.

"But… but… but… he's _back!_" Roxas shouted, looking franticly around the table. "How did… when did… how did you reappear?!?"

"Oh, I just realized that light and darkness are eternal, and that therefore we nothings must be the same. And as the embodiment of nothing, I too must be eternal. Zexion, could you pass me the pepper?"

"But that's… that's…" Roxes sputtered.

"Don't feel too bad, number thirteen." Marluxia said, dabbing at the corners of his mouth with a napkin. "Something like this happens to him every week or so."

"But what about Saix!" Roxas shouted, grasping at any straw he could. "If this happens all the time, why did he freak out like that?"

"I did what? I would never lose control like that." Saix said primly.

Larxene leaned over and whispered behind her hand. "Look, kid, Saix has memory problems that put even yours to shame. Those mission logs that say where everyone goes every day? He doesn't make those for our benefit."

"And now, about that hundred munny you owe me…" Luxord said, draining his tea with a smile.

At the other end, Xigbar slipped a small bag of munny to Zexion under the table. "Not bad at all." he whispered.

"The trick was getting Xemnas to go along with it." Zexion whispered back.

Xaldin sighed contently and pushed away his empty plate. "Well, I suppose we should move on to dessert, then. Xigbar, if you would do the honors?"

"Wait! I'm not done yet!" Axel shouted, working his fork in a blur through the last of his potatoes.

"No, seriously, where do you put it all?" Larxene asked, making no secret of her envy. "You're as thin as a matchstick. How can you keep that figure when you pack it in like that every meal? Don't you care about calories?"

Axel paused and lifted an eye in her direction. He help up his free hand and suddenly flames licked to life over his palm. "I burn calories!"

"Of course…" Larxene sighed, lounging back in her chair.

With a snap of Xigbar's fingers, every plate on the table warped away. There was some general fidgeting and picking of teeth as each member's eyes were drawn to a line of dusks walking into the room. Each dusk balanced a swaying tray on their limbs.

"Not that I want to agree with the savage nymph…" Saix said, watching the dusks approach. "But you really can't bake to save your afterlife, Xaldin. What have you prepared for us this evening?"

"Actually, tonight you all will be helping me with my research." Vexen said grandly as the dusks deposited their trays in the center of the table. He eagerly tore of the lids to reveal a baker's dozen silver bowls, each one filled with a different flavor ice cream.

"Wait, Vexen made these?" Marluxia said nervously, eyeing the bowls with obvious suspicion. "I thought we had agreed that he wasn't allowed to cook for us without supervision."

"I watched him closely as he mixed the flavors." Xaldin sniffed, as if that should have been obvious. "Plus, the Superior and I have already informed him that if anyone is rendered unconscious-"

"Or becomes paralyzed." Zexion interrupted.

"Or shrinks." Larxene said, glaring at the scientist.

"Or has their hair change color." Demyx put in, patting his hair nervously.

"Or bobs to the ceiling." Luxord said, smiling at the memory.

"Or grows additional limbs." Lexeaus included.

"Or has any kind of reaction at all, he will have his laboratory stripped bare!" Xemnas intoned, glaring around the table to cut off further accusations.

"Bah! They're just flavors!" Vexen fumed, crossing his arms and glaring down his nose at them. "All I'm working on at the moment is breaking this absurd obsession with sea salt! Besides, most of those only happened the once… and I still think we could have found some use for the weightlessness formula…"

"I was stuck on the ceiling for almost a week, you ass!" Saix snarled. He reached up with one hand and pinched the bridge of his nose until he calmed down.

"Well, I'm willing to risk horrible mutation if ice cream is on the line." Axel said cheerfully. He snatched the first bowl he could reach, one filled with a smooth ebony-hued mixture, and picked up his spoon. The entire table watched carefully and he scooped a spoonful into his mouth. Axel chewed it thoughtfully for a second, then his eyes bugged out and he started making choking sounds.

Xaldin dug his fingers into the table and his entire body went ridged with adrenaline. Marluxia dived under the table while Larxene flipped over her seat to have the chair between her and Axel. Lexeaus cried out a warning and swept his arms out, shoving Zexion and Saix out of their chairs behind him. Roxas leapt from his chair and started around the table to help his friend. Xigbar vanished and appeared at Vexen's back, pressing a butter knife threateningly into the back of his neck. Demyx cried out in fear and overbalanced his chair, spilling backwards out of it onto the floor. The two remaining nobody's staying in their seats and observed everyone's reactions, Luxord with an air of amusement and Xemnas with an air of menace.

"Gah…" Axel gagged, panting and pawing at his tongue. "Cinnamon flavored? And so sharp! Gah! I need a glass of water!"

"You have allowed the illusion of fear to cloud your reactions." Xemnas lectured as everyone sheepishly returned to their places. "And over something as insignificant as taste. Why, taste is just one of the feelings I live without on a daily…"

"You've already said that today." Xigbar interrupted, pulling closer a bowl of pink and green swirled ice cream and poking it warily with his spoon.

Roxas reached for a pale green flavor, but Luxord grabbed it before he could. "Sorry, lad, but this one's mine."

"Hey, do you already know what each flavor is?" Marluxia accused.

"Of course not. That would be cheating." Luxord smiled, pausing before his first bite. "Mmm… mint…" He swallowed with relish.

"Well, which one can I have?" Roxas asked petulantly.

"Just pick one." Vexen sneered, slipping a bowl of ice cream so white it was nearly clear off the tray. "Despite what Luxord may think, none of them have been set aside for anyone. Save this one, specially prepared for our leader's… unique appetite."

"Why? What's so special about that one?" Saix asked suspiciously.

"As the Superior has pointed out many times already," Vexen said with forced patience, putting the bowl before Xemnas. "He cannot taste anything. So this flavor has more to do with texture than it does taste."

"You don' ethpect uth to tell you our thoughth, do you?" Lexeaus slurred, prodding his inner cheek. "I thin my thongue hath gone numb…"

"Maybe you shouldn't take such big bites, then!" Demyx said cheerfully, digging into his pineapple sherbet. "So, uh, Larxene… want to come up to my room after dinner?"

Axel choked down his mouthful and grinned wolfishly across the table. "Whoa, Demyx! You dog! I didn't know you had it in you!"

"Remind me to have a _chat_ with you about phrasing later, Demyx," Larxene snapped, digging into her ice cream.

"Well, come on! You can't just leave us hanging like that!" Zexion pressed, leaning forward.

"It's just this stupid friend of his." Larxene said reluctantly, twining her spoon around her fingers. "We've got him gathering all the hearts in some world call Orleans for us. Believe it or not, this guy is willing to work for nothing but a few simple shadows and a couple of trinkets."

"About that…" Demyx muttered around his spoon. "He… lost the charm we gave him. Something about a frog…"

"What!" Larxene shouted, knocking over her bowl. "I actually put effort into making that thing! If he can't get it back right now, I'm going to drag him over here and show him…" She stormed away from the table muttering curses to herself.

"My room…!" Demyx whined, scooting from his seat. Taking his bowl with him, he ran out of the room after her.

"Such language…" Saix sighed, lifting up a scoop and sniffing at it. He sighed again and set the spoon back down without tasting it. "You know, number four, ice cream is meant to be a cool treat. A flavor that makes my eyes water before I even eat it can already be considered a failure."

"Nonsense." Vexen scoffed. "The entire point of science is to push the boundaries of acceptance and disprove rules like that. Besides, the jalapenos bonded to the creaming process much better than the rest, certainly more so than the cracker and ham mixture Xaldin is trying."

Xaldin started making choking noises around his spoon.

"I… don't really like my flavor either." Roxas said, looking down at his serving. "It just tastes so strange. I can't see anyone liking this flavor."

Xigbar reached across the table and sampled a bit from Roxas's bowl. "Hey, what are you talking about? This is just chocolate!"

"Yuck!" Roxas spat into his napkin. "Isn't there any sea salt?"

"Well, if you don't want it, you can have mine." Zexion offered, holding out his own partially eaten bowl. "Whatever this flavor is, it's pretty salty…"

"Don't!" Vexen shouted, reaching out to intercept the bowl. Everyone at the table froze and stared at him.

"I mean…" he stammered, trying to play it off. "It's just… it will ruin the experiment if you mix them… the taste, I mean…"

"Well, I'm done." Xigbar said, pushing his bowl away.

"Me too." Zexion chimed in.

"Imm thinithed." Lexeaus sputtered.

"No more for me."Saix said.

"I'm already done anyway…" Axel pouted, studying his bowl for enough to fill his spoon once more. "Does this mean I can't have seconds?"

"Perhaps I shouldn't have eaten this much already…" Marluxia said worriedly.

"I'm fine with mine." Luxord said, sprinkling a dash of something from his coat pocket into his bowl. The ice cream turned a subtly different shade of green.

"…Zzzzzzzzzzz…" Xemnas snored, fast asleep and propped up uncomfortably on his chair. Everyone at the table turned and looked at him in confusion.

"Fascinating." Vexen muttered, pulling out a notebook and leaning in closer to the Superior. "The combination causes instant slumber upon consumption in human sized mammals as well. I wonder whether the duration will be the same length or longer…"

"He's sleeping? How long will he be asleep? What did you do?"Saix demanded frantically.

"Yeah, you said there would be no experiments." Marluxia said, standing up quickly and shaking his head to the side. But instead of the usual flurry of petals, a score of pink hairs floated off his head and landed on the table.

Marluxia stared at the strands in horror as several more started to slip off. "MY HAIR!"

"Hmm?" Vexen said disinterestedly, looking up from his notebook. "Oh, right… the mice had the same reaction to the salad flavor. I thought I had worked that out."

"MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT! I'LL KILL YOU!" Marluxia screamed, summoning his scythe and leaping across the table.

Axel stood up calmly, still licking at his spoon, and walked around the melee. He ducked under a thrown silver tray and knelt down to where Roxas had fallen back onto the floor. "Wanna get out of here before we get roped into cleaning up?" he asked.

Roxas nodded and allowed himself to be lead away. "Are all meals like that here?" he asked.

"Most of them are more exciting." Axel laughed, picking up a slip of paper from a stack by the door and handing it to number thirteen. "Here's the menu slip for tomorrow. What do you feel like for breakfast?"


End file.
